Do you ever think about the way that other people see you? I do... because I realize that other people don't always see me the way that I am. Sometimes people jump to conclusions based on limited or faulty information. Sometimes people see what they want to see or see what they assume they are going to see. Most people have many layers and are not very transparent, so seeing them as they actually are is very difficult. I often think that I am very transparent and I have been told that I have a very expressive face that makes it difficult to hide what I am feeling, but that doesn't make it any easier for people to understand the way I think.
There is a poem by Scottish author Robert Burns that I love, and seeing as I am distantly related to him (on my father's mother's side), I can quote him: "Oh that God the gift He would give us - To see ourselves as others see us." That makes a lot of sense to me. I think in some ways it would hurt to know how other people feel about us, but in general, I think it would be very helpful to understand the way that other people see me. It would help me to see where I do well and on what issues I still need to work.
It seems to me that the most difficult thing to understand about someone else is their intentions. I think often people who do not know me, or don't know me well, mistake my intentions and misinterpret what I mean by what I do or say. I don't always realize when something has been misinterpreted, though, especially when the person doesn't say anything to me about it. One thing that really bothers me is when someone comes back to me later and tells me that I said something that I know I never said - Meaning they probably misinterpreted something I said, but since it wasn't addressed at the time, I don't know what I did say that upset them because they thought I said something else. It is very frustrating!
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Difference does not mean prejudice
Have you ever watched the show, Glee, on Fox? Well up until a couple days ago I hadn't - not until my cousin's daughter posted the latest episode (courtesy of Hulu). While the show was primarily about homosexual teenagers, the theme was about accepting people for their differences and not being afraid to be who you are. One of the lines in the episode was when the Glee Club teacher says to the football coach, "All of us are scarred by high school. Next to our parents, nothing screws a person up more - and people like us, we're stupid enough to come back here and relive that pain every day."
While I don't believe that everyone is scarred by high school, I know there are plenty of people who have a pretty rough time of it. I guess part of the problem is that it is a time in everyone's life when they are trying to figure out who they are. There is a great deal of uncertainty and insecurity during the teenage years and the way that some people handle that is by taking it out on their peers - on singling out those who, for one reason or another, are labeled as being different - maybe their looks are different (color, size, shape, etc.), or they act differently, or they speak differently.
In the past couple months, I spoke with two girls: one who is seventeen and one who is twenty-two. Both girls are very pretty (tall, slim, nice build, pretty hair and face, well dressed, etc.), intelligent and have nice, friendly personalities. The thing is, that both of them spoke about having people judge them unjustly. They both mentioned that some people don't like them without even giving them a chance. At first, I was very surprised, because my intial thought was "how could someone not like you?" but then I remembered my own experiences - I was like that, too, when I was their age - people thought the same thing about me.
I wasn't popular in high school - in fact, I was picked on quite a bit. I had friends, I just wasn't part of the "in" crowd. I remember sophomore year when I was helping the captain of the football team in math. He was one of those popular boys who all the girls swooned over. (I wasn't impressed because while he was nice, he wasn't that bright.) Anyway, I remember him telling me that he really appreciated all my help because he never would have passed without me and that I was pretty cool but he couldn't be my friend because he would be judged for hanging out with me because I wasn't one of the popular kids. That's kind-of ironic, isn't it?
In addition to raising me not to be shallow and superficial, my mother taught me not to pick on someone or be prejudiced against someone for something that they would change if they could. For instance, it is wrong to judge someone based solely on their race or ethnic background, but it is also wrong to judge someone because they are unattractive or poor. The sad thing is that people do it all the time. If I don't like someone, it's because of who they are, not what they are. I don't really care if someone is white or purple, tall or short, fat or thin, gorgeous or homely, rich or poor, liberal or conservative, I decide whether or not I like someone based on their personality. When I meet someone new, I assume they are a good person until they prove otherwise.
Why is it that someone people are so quick to judge others? The fear of being rejected forces some people to hide who they really are. I'm not saying that we have to like and be friends with everyone, I'm just saying that we should show everyone the same kind of respect that we would like to receive. We are all different - that is a given - but it doesn't mean that anyone should act as if they believe they are better than someone else. According to Galatians 2:28 (NIV), "There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." We need to start acting like it!
While I don't believe that everyone is scarred by high school, I know there are plenty of people who have a pretty rough time of it. I guess part of the problem is that it is a time in everyone's life when they are trying to figure out who they are. There is a great deal of uncertainty and insecurity during the teenage years and the way that some people handle that is by taking it out on their peers - on singling out those who, for one reason or another, are labeled as being different - maybe their looks are different (color, size, shape, etc.), or they act differently, or they speak differently.
In the past couple months, I spoke with two girls: one who is seventeen and one who is twenty-two. Both girls are very pretty (tall, slim, nice build, pretty hair and face, well dressed, etc.), intelligent and have nice, friendly personalities. The thing is, that both of them spoke about having people judge them unjustly. They both mentioned that some people don't like them without even giving them a chance. At first, I was very surprised, because my intial thought was "how could someone not like you?" but then I remembered my own experiences - I was like that, too, when I was their age - people thought the same thing about me.
I wasn't popular in high school - in fact, I was picked on quite a bit. I had friends, I just wasn't part of the "in" crowd. I remember sophomore year when I was helping the captain of the football team in math. He was one of those popular boys who all the girls swooned over. (I wasn't impressed because while he was nice, he wasn't that bright.) Anyway, I remember him telling me that he really appreciated all my help because he never would have passed without me and that I was pretty cool but he couldn't be my friend because he would be judged for hanging out with me because I wasn't one of the popular kids. That's kind-of ironic, isn't it?
In addition to raising me not to be shallow and superficial, my mother taught me not to pick on someone or be prejudiced against someone for something that they would change if they could. For instance, it is wrong to judge someone based solely on their race or ethnic background, but it is also wrong to judge someone because they are unattractive or poor. The sad thing is that people do it all the time. If I don't like someone, it's because of who they are, not what they are. I don't really care if someone is white or purple, tall or short, fat or thin, gorgeous or homely, rich or poor, liberal or conservative, I decide whether or not I like someone based on their personality. When I meet someone new, I assume they are a good person until they prove otherwise.
Why is it that someone people are so quick to judge others? The fear of being rejected forces some people to hide who they really are. I'm not saying that we have to like and be friends with everyone, I'm just saying that we should show everyone the same kind of respect that we would like to receive. We are all different - that is a given - but it doesn't mean that anyone should act as if they believe they are better than someone else. According to Galatians 2:28 (NIV), "There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." We need to start acting like it!
Monday, November 8, 2010
Change
This is a devotion/reflection that I wrote last year (almost two years ago now), but I was thinking about "change" so I wanted to share it now.
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"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose... For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:28, 38-39 (NIV)
CHANGE – That’s a word we’ve certainly heard a lot lately. What’s the old expression, "everything changes except death and taxes" or "the only thing that stays the same is that everything changes"? We face changes in our lives all the time… and some are easier to accept than others. I remember when my husband and I were writing our marriage vows, one of the lines was something along the lines of a commitment not to avoid changes but to navigate them successfully. We all know to expect changes – it’s how we deal with them that matters.
As Christians, we know that the one thing that will never change is God – He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. The nature and person of God never changes. No matter what we face in life, God will always be there for us. We can have confidence and assurance that He will help us through it.
A while ago I made a wallet card for my husband that had a quote from a book he was reading on one side and a Scripture passage on the other. The quote from the book was, "Lord, You got me into this… I’m trusting in you to get me out of it" and the Scripture passage Proverbs 3:5 that says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." These two quotes serve as a reminder that we should put our trust in God and He will help us to navigate through the changes we face in our lives.
So change is not something to fear… it is something to look forward to with expectation and hope. God says, "I know the plans I have for you – plans to prosper you, not to harm you." So let’s trust God’s plan and look at these changes as positive rather than negative and something to be feared.
----------------------
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose... For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:28, 38-39 (NIV)
CHANGE – That’s a word we’ve certainly heard a lot lately. What’s the old expression, "everything changes except death and taxes" or "the only thing that stays the same is that everything changes"? We face changes in our lives all the time… and some are easier to accept than others. I remember when my husband and I were writing our marriage vows, one of the lines was something along the lines of a commitment not to avoid changes but to navigate them successfully. We all know to expect changes – it’s how we deal with them that matters.
As Christians, we know that the one thing that will never change is God – He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. The nature and person of God never changes. No matter what we face in life, God will always be there for us. We can have confidence and assurance that He will help us through it.
A while ago I made a wallet card for my husband that had a quote from a book he was reading on one side and a Scripture passage on the other. The quote from the book was, "Lord, You got me into this… I’m trusting in you to get me out of it" and the Scripture passage Proverbs 3:5 that says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." These two quotes serve as a reminder that we should put our trust in God and He will help us to navigate through the changes we face in our lives.
So change is not something to fear… it is something to look forward to with expectation and hope. God says, "I know the plans I have for you – plans to prosper you, not to harm you." So let’s trust God’s plan and look at these changes as positive rather than negative and something to be feared.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
When the Children Become the Parents to their Parents
My father just turned 80 this year and doesn't want to admit that he is getting old. He seems to think that he is just as able and capable as he was when he was 50, but he really isn't. I have been struggling with trying to get the point across without having him hate me. Sometimes I get off the phone with him either ready to scream or cry. I just don't know what to do anymore.
While waiting in the dentist's office the other day I read an article in Time magazine which addressed the issue that I am facing - how do you deal with an aging parent? "It's the stage just after infancy and just before infirmity that tests those of us in between... As they age, our parents need constraints, but the context shifts.. we put limits on their freedoms" (Gibbs, 2010, para. 1). My father is not at the stage where he is unable to take care of himself anymore - he is just at the stage where he needs someone to check up on him. He sometimes forgets to pay bills or to get the car inspected or even to eat. He doesn't always look when changing lanes and tends to get lost while driving - especially at night. He forgets, or doesn't make, doctor's appointments. I tell him that I worry about him and instead of appreciating it, he gets angry with me. He doesn't want me checking up on him - I think it's at least partially because he doesn't want to lie to me but also doesn't want to have to tell me the truth.
I try to look out for what's best for him, but he rebels when I try to get him to agree to limits. Two years ago, when my mother passed away, I asked him to promise me that he wouldn't climb up on the roof anymore and wouldn't climb up on the ladder without having someone watching him. I know he has, but when I point out that he broke his promise, he gets angry and makes excuses. When I tried to ask him not to drive at night and not to drive by himself, he had a fairly similar reaction. That is how he responds pretty much every time I try to get him to commit to something - he gets angry and makes excuses. As Gibbs (2010) says, "Telling kids what to do comes naturally. Telling parents what to do takes more dexterity, like playing the flute in mittens. If teenagers are genetically ungrateful, our elders are understandably so, for the will to keep living large is fierce, and any attempt to shrink them to safety is a splash of mortality they naturally resent" (para. 2). I can't force him to do anything - even if it is what's best for him.
My husband and I asked him to move down here and live with us so we could all be together and I would be readily available to assist if he needed help - and I wouldn't have to worry about him as much. That was almost two years ago and he still won't make a decision. It's always some excuse why he can't commit. He says he doesn't want to think about it. He says we're trying to pressure him. He acts as if we don't care how he feels, but the problem is that I do love him. I don't know how much longer he's going to be able to take care of himself and I'm so far away that I worry about what could happen. I'm at my wits end.
Gibbs, N. (2010, 25 October). The coping conundrum. Time, 176 (17), p. 76.
While waiting in the dentist's office the other day I read an article in Time magazine which addressed the issue that I am facing - how do you deal with an aging parent? "It's the stage just after infancy and just before infirmity that tests those of us in between... As they age, our parents need constraints, but the context shifts.. we put limits on their freedoms" (Gibbs, 2010, para. 1). My father is not at the stage where he is unable to take care of himself anymore - he is just at the stage where he needs someone to check up on him. He sometimes forgets to pay bills or to get the car inspected or even to eat. He doesn't always look when changing lanes and tends to get lost while driving - especially at night. He forgets, or doesn't make, doctor's appointments. I tell him that I worry about him and instead of appreciating it, he gets angry with me. He doesn't want me checking up on him - I think it's at least partially because he doesn't want to lie to me but also doesn't want to have to tell me the truth.
I try to look out for what's best for him, but he rebels when I try to get him to agree to limits. Two years ago, when my mother passed away, I asked him to promise me that he wouldn't climb up on the roof anymore and wouldn't climb up on the ladder without having someone watching him. I know he has, but when I point out that he broke his promise, he gets angry and makes excuses. When I tried to ask him not to drive at night and not to drive by himself, he had a fairly similar reaction. That is how he responds pretty much every time I try to get him to commit to something - he gets angry and makes excuses. As Gibbs (2010) says, "Telling kids what to do comes naturally. Telling parents what to do takes more dexterity, like playing the flute in mittens. If teenagers are genetically ungrateful, our elders are understandably so, for the will to keep living large is fierce, and any attempt to shrink them to safety is a splash of mortality they naturally resent" (para. 2). I can't force him to do anything - even if it is what's best for him.
My husband and I asked him to move down here and live with us so we could all be together and I would be readily available to assist if he needed help - and I wouldn't have to worry about him as much. That was almost two years ago and he still won't make a decision. It's always some excuse why he can't commit. He says he doesn't want to think about it. He says we're trying to pressure him. He acts as if we don't care how he feels, but the problem is that I do love him. I don't know how much longer he's going to be able to take care of himself and I'm so far away that I worry about what could happen. I'm at my wits end.
Gibbs, N. (2010, 25 October). The coping conundrum. Time, 176 (17), p. 76.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Understanding the Pain of Childlessness
I read an article in Charisma Magazine recently on the topic of "Healing the Pain of Childlessness." In it the author offered both insight into how women who are struggling to have children feel as well as some helpful suggestions on how to relate to them. This is a difficult subject to talk about, even in the church, because so many people don't really understand the issue.
Childless women of child-bearing age often feel like outcasts who don't fit in anywhere. They are older than the newly married couples who don't have children yet and younger than the empty-nesters whose children have already left home. Most of the married couples in their own age group have children of various ages. They are often left out of activities because they don't have children.
To make matters worse, there are some people in the church who believe that infertility issues are the result of sexual sin and therefore must be spoken against. "Many women are barren because a curse has been brought down upon them through an ancestral curse of from something they have done that results in a curse... many who are unable to conceive or cannot carry their baby full term have some kind of curse operating in their life" (Malone, 1999, p. 91). As if women who were having difficulty conceiving and carrying a child to full term didn't have enough problems - they have to listen to being told that they are cursed! I know a wonderful Christian woman whose first child died an hour after he was born. She and her husband were obviously devastated, yet she was afraid to openly share what she was going through in Christian circles for fear of being judged. That's ridiculous - anyone who would judge a mother who just lost her child is heartless.
Schweikert offers much better advice on how to relate to women who want to be mothers but have been unsuccessful:
References
Malone, H. (1999). Shadow boxing: The dynamic 2-5-14 strategy to defeat the darkness within. Irving, TX: Vision Life Publications.
Schweikert, Anahid. (22 Sept 2010). Healing the Pain of Childlessness. Charisma Newsletters: SpiritLed Woman. Retrieved from http://www.charismamag.com/index.php/newsletters/spiritled-woman-emagazine/29284-healing-the-pain-of-childlessness.
Childless women of child-bearing age often feel like outcasts who don't fit in anywhere. They are older than the newly married couples who don't have children yet and younger than the empty-nesters whose children have already left home. Most of the married couples in their own age group have children of various ages. They are often left out of activities because they don't have children.
To make matters worse, there are some people in the church who believe that infertility issues are the result of sexual sin and therefore must be spoken against. "Many women are barren because a curse has been brought down upon them through an ancestral curse of from something they have done that results in a curse... many who are unable to conceive or cannot carry their baby full term have some kind of curse operating in their life" (Malone, 1999, p. 91). As if women who were having difficulty conceiving and carrying a child to full term didn't have enough problems - they have to listen to being told that they are cursed! I know a wonderful Christian woman whose first child died an hour after he was born. She and her husband were obviously devastated, yet she was afraid to openly share what she was going through in Christian circles for fear of being judged. That's ridiculous - anyone who would judge a mother who just lost her child is heartless.
Schweikert offers much better advice on how to relate to women who want to be mothers but have been unsuccessful:
- Be a friend
- Communicate
- Acknowledge her spiritual state
- Recognize the uniqueness of her experience
References
Malone, H. (1999). Shadow boxing: The dynamic 2-5-14 strategy to defeat the darkness within. Irving, TX: Vision Life Publications.
Schweikert, Anahid. (22 Sept 2010). Healing the Pain of Childlessness. Charisma Newsletters: SpiritLed Woman. Retrieved from http://www.charismamag.com/index.php/newsletters/spiritled-woman-emagazine/29284-healing-the-pain-of-childlessness.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Love and Marriage
This is a note that I originally posted elsewhere a year ago for a couple friends who were getting married.
I've been thinking about marriage lately because one of my friends is getting married in a couple months and I just found out that another is getting divorced after only a year and a half. I have been married for a few years now so I think I know a little bit about the subject - I hope my marriage lasts as long as my parents' did (my mom passed away eight months before what would have been their fiftieth anniversary). I just wanted to share some thoughts on love and marriage.
Let me begin by saying that I think part of the reason why so many marriages fail is because young people expect it to be easy all the time. Sometimes people even think that the problems they have in their relationship will get better once they get married or that they will change those little things that bug them about their partner once they get married. I have news for you: marriage is not always easy - sometimes it is really difficult. Those problems in your relationship - if you don't work them out before you get married they will get worse, not better. Also, you have to learn to accept your partner for who they are - flaws and quirks and all - without hoping to change them.
Your spouse should be your best friend: the person who means the most to you, the one you can share anything with, the one who you want to be with. Making a marriage work means putting the other person's wants and needs first - above your own. It often involves compromise or giving up what you want for the sake of the other person. You can't be selfish and expect your marriage to work because it's not just about you anymore. Marriage is sharing your life with another person completely - it's not about 1+1=2 (one person plus one person equals two people) anymore, but about 1+1=1 (one man plus one woman equals one couple). I'm not saying that you lose yourself when you get married, but rather just the opposite - you become a unit so that both of you are more than you were independently, not less.
This kind of unity takes honesty and trust on both sides to make it work. Marriage involves being open and honest with each other at all times - it means not keeping secrets or hiding things from each other. You can't "take the fifth" in a marriage - sometimes telling the truth hurts but it is better in the long run. This includes being honest about your feelings or when things are bothering you (especially about the other person) - keeping things bottled up just makes it worse. But being able to share your thoughts and feelings with your partner also means you have to listen to your partner when they are sharing their thoughts and feelings with you. I've heard couples say, "We have a great relationship - we never fight!" Oh really? What kind of a relationship is that? Arguments and disagreements are a natural part of an adult relationship - they are going to happen; it's how you deal with them that makes the difference. If you never fight then you aren't being honest with each other. Fighting all the time isn't healthy, but occasionally something will come up. My mother always used to say, "Pick your battles." I know what she meant - some things are important and worth fighting for while others really aren't. Some people start fights all the time because they don't want to lose or give in, marriage is not about winning or who is right and who is wrong. Remember, when you fight don't say things just to be hurtful - you don't want to say something that you don't mean because you can't take it back and you will regret it later.
Couples need to respect each other. One thing I hate about TV and movies is that they are always displaying couples lying to one another, deceiving each other and generally disrespecting each other. That is not the way a marriage is supposed to be.
Another thing that couples often forget - there are several phrases that are important to remember in order for your marriage to work:
1. I love you! - Make your partner feel valued and cared about so they know how important they are to you. It's not just about the words - you need to show it, too - but the words are important to hear. Say them and mean them.
2. I'm sorry! - Admit when you are wrong - say you're sorry and mean it. Sometimes saying you're sorry is as simple as, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings - that was not my intention."
3. I forgive you! - Accept your partner's apology and mean it. Don't hold a grudge and let it keep coming between you.
4. How can I help?/What can I do? - Show your partner how much you value them by what you do for them. They aren't always going to tell you up front what they need or what you to do and you're not a mind reader, so it helps to ask. Those simple actions can go a long way.
Don't let the sun set on an argument. Basically, if you and your spouse are disagreeing about something, don't go to sleep with it unresolved. When you're upset, it is often difficult to sleep, and that isn't good for you, either. You don't want to start the next day with the argument hanging over your heads. Even if it means agreeing to disagree, settle the argument before you go to sleep for the night.
One piece of advice for young couples, but especially for young women - don't go to your parent(s) every time you and your spouse have an argument or disagreement. You are you parent(s) baby and they will want to protect you. The argument or disagreement will be long since over and forgotten about by you and your spouse, but your parent(s) will still be harboring a grudge - Your parent(s) will remember the problem much longer than you will. [Unless something is really bad and you are considering ending your marriage] keep the problems of your marriage inside your marriage.
The most important thing to remember is that marriage is a partnership. It involves give and take. It requires both parties to work at it. Love is a commitment - it is not about warm fuzzy feelings. Read 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 for an explanation of what love is.
I'm sure other people have more comments on what it takes to make a marriage work but these are just the first thoughts that came to mind.
I've been thinking about marriage lately because one of my friends is getting married in a couple months and I just found out that another is getting divorced after only a year and a half. I have been married for a few years now so I think I know a little bit about the subject - I hope my marriage lasts as long as my parents' did (my mom passed away eight months before what would have been their fiftieth anniversary). I just wanted to share some thoughts on love and marriage.
Let me begin by saying that I think part of the reason why so many marriages fail is because young people expect it to be easy all the time. Sometimes people even think that the problems they have in their relationship will get better once they get married or that they will change those little things that bug them about their partner once they get married. I have news for you: marriage is not always easy - sometimes it is really difficult. Those problems in your relationship - if you don't work them out before you get married they will get worse, not better. Also, you have to learn to accept your partner for who they are - flaws and quirks and all - without hoping to change them.
Your spouse should be your best friend: the person who means the most to you, the one you can share anything with, the one who you want to be with. Making a marriage work means putting the other person's wants and needs first - above your own. It often involves compromise or giving up what you want for the sake of the other person. You can't be selfish and expect your marriage to work because it's not just about you anymore. Marriage is sharing your life with another person completely - it's not about 1+1=2 (one person plus one person equals two people) anymore, but about 1+1=1 (one man plus one woman equals one couple). I'm not saying that you lose yourself when you get married, but rather just the opposite - you become a unit so that both of you are more than you were independently, not less.
This kind of unity takes honesty and trust on both sides to make it work. Marriage involves being open and honest with each other at all times - it means not keeping secrets or hiding things from each other. You can't "take the fifth" in a marriage - sometimes telling the truth hurts but it is better in the long run. This includes being honest about your feelings or when things are bothering you (especially about the other person) - keeping things bottled up just makes it worse. But being able to share your thoughts and feelings with your partner also means you have to listen to your partner when they are sharing their thoughts and feelings with you. I've heard couples say, "We have a great relationship - we never fight!" Oh really? What kind of a relationship is that? Arguments and disagreements are a natural part of an adult relationship - they are going to happen; it's how you deal with them that makes the difference. If you never fight then you aren't being honest with each other. Fighting all the time isn't healthy, but occasionally something will come up. My mother always used to say, "Pick your battles." I know what she meant - some things are important and worth fighting for while others really aren't. Some people start fights all the time because they don't want to lose or give in, marriage is not about winning or who is right and who is wrong. Remember, when you fight don't say things just to be hurtful - you don't want to say something that you don't mean because you can't take it back and you will regret it later.
Couples need to respect each other. One thing I hate about TV and movies is that they are always displaying couples lying to one another, deceiving each other and generally disrespecting each other. That is not the way a marriage is supposed to be.
Another thing that couples often forget - there are several phrases that are important to remember in order for your marriage to work:
1. I love you! - Make your partner feel valued and cared about so they know how important they are to you. It's not just about the words - you need to show it, too - but the words are important to hear. Say them and mean them.
2. I'm sorry! - Admit when you are wrong - say you're sorry and mean it. Sometimes saying you're sorry is as simple as, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings - that was not my intention."
3. I forgive you! - Accept your partner's apology and mean it. Don't hold a grudge and let it keep coming between you.
4. How can I help?/What can I do? - Show your partner how much you value them by what you do for them. They aren't always going to tell you up front what they need or what you to do and you're not a mind reader, so it helps to ask. Those simple actions can go a long way.
Don't let the sun set on an argument. Basically, if you and your spouse are disagreeing about something, don't go to sleep with it unresolved. When you're upset, it is often difficult to sleep, and that isn't good for you, either. You don't want to start the next day with the argument hanging over your heads. Even if it means agreeing to disagree, settle the argument before you go to sleep for the night.
One piece of advice for young couples, but especially for young women - don't go to your parent(s) every time you and your spouse have an argument or disagreement. You are you parent(s) baby and they will want to protect you. The argument or disagreement will be long since over and forgotten about by you and your spouse, but your parent(s) will still be harboring a grudge - Your parent(s) will remember the problem much longer than you will. [Unless something is really bad and you are considering ending your marriage] keep the problems of your marriage inside your marriage.
The most important thing to remember is that marriage is a partnership. It involves give and take. It requires both parties to work at it. Love is a commitment - it is not about warm fuzzy feelings. Read 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 for an explanation of what love is.
I'm sure other people have more comments on what it takes to make a marriage work but these are just the first thoughts that came to mind.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Is everyone really "fine"?
Do we all wear masks?
While we go about our daily lives, how many people that we pass are walking around with a smile on their face when they are really hurting inside?
How easy is it to not realize that someone else is in pain?
When we ask someone, "How are you?" is it just a passing pleasantry, or do we really want to know?
When someone asks us how we are, how often do we really tell the truth instead of giving the expected answer, "Fine."
How many people do we see every day with whom our relationships are barely superficial?
Why is that?
Are we so wrapped up in ourselves that we don't notice the people around us?
Do we not really care about each other?
Or do we just not want to get involved?
While we go about our daily lives, how many people that we pass are walking around with a smile on their face when they are really hurting inside?
How easy is it to not realize that someone else is in pain?
When we ask someone, "How are you?" is it just a passing pleasantry, or do we really want to know?
When someone asks us how we are, how often do we really tell the truth instead of giving the expected answer, "Fine."
How many people do we see every day with whom our relationships are barely superficial?
Why is that?
Are we so wrapped up in ourselves that we don't notice the people around us?
Do we not really care about each other?
Or do we just not want to get involved?
Sunday, September 19, 2010
What is a Worldview?
The term "worldview" is something I've heard thrown around a great deal in recent years, but what really is a "worldview"? Worldview is "an aspect of human existence-comprising such elements as experience, ethics, beliefs, ritual, and institutions" (Smart, 2000, p. 4). I think, most simply put, a worldview is how we look at the world. It is the filter through which we view all knowledge and experience. According to Smart, "From one perspective the different worldviews are maps of how to live" (p. 54).
If we view everything through the lens of our own worldview, how can we ever know what is really true? Two different people could come across the same piece of information and form completely divergent opinions about it. Likewise, two different people could share the same experience but react in completely separate ways as a result. All because their worldviews are different. When you look at another person, or especially when you look at another culture, "if you describe the other merely from your own point of view it is not realistic because in effect you are not describing the other, but yourself" (Smart, 2000, p.2). So how can we ever truly be objective?
When we say that we are being objective, are we telling the truth or are we just kidding ourselves? If our worldview is part of our basic existence, is simply turning it off even possible when "worldviews for many people are subliminal; they tend to be a part of the larger culture that is accepted without challenge" (Knight, 2006, p. 234). Can someone consciously turn off something which is unconscious?
I pose these questions as food for thought, not because I think I have the answers.
References
Knight, G. R. (2006). Philosophy & education an introduction in Christian perspective (fourth edition). Berrien Springs, MI: Andrews University Press.
Smart, N. (2000). Worldviews: Crosscultural explorations of human belief (third edition). Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice Hall.
If we view everything through the lens of our own worldview, how can we ever know what is really true? Two different people could come across the same piece of information and form completely divergent opinions about it. Likewise, two different people could share the same experience but react in completely separate ways as a result. All because their worldviews are different. When you look at another person, or especially when you look at another culture, "if you describe the other merely from your own point of view it is not realistic because in effect you are not describing the other, but yourself" (Smart, 2000, p.2). So how can we ever truly be objective?
When we say that we are being objective, are we telling the truth or are we just kidding ourselves? If our worldview is part of our basic existence, is simply turning it off even possible when "worldviews for many people are subliminal; they tend to be a part of the larger culture that is accepted without challenge" (Knight, 2006, p. 234). Can someone consciously turn off something which is unconscious?
I pose these questions as food for thought, not because I think I have the answers.
References
Knight, G. R. (2006). Philosophy & education an introduction in Christian perspective (fourth edition). Berrien Springs, MI: Andrews University Press.
Smart, N. (2000). Worldviews: Crosscultural explorations of human belief (third edition). Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice Hall.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Do we really understand each other?
It seems to me that often we only think we know other people... or think they know us. I have begun to notice lately that we don't always understand each other as well as we think we do. I think I tend to judge other people based on myself, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who does that. In order to really understand who someone is, and why they think or act the way they do, we must first get to know them. It is human nature to have difficulty understanding someone who is different from us.
Personally, I have gotten myself in trouble by either expecting someone to react the same way I would in a particular situation, or when they don't, trying to understand where they are coming from. I have discovered that not everyone wants to be understood because they don't want to have to explain themselves. You see, I think part of my problem is the fact that I am a very mathematical, analytical, rational person who wants everything to make sense and fit into neat, logical categories.... Unfortunately, people usually don't.
It was brought to my attention lately that there are some people who don't like me because they see me as argumentative and confrontational. This perception arises because people are jumping to conclusions about me without taking the time to get to know me and understand where I am coming from. When I ask a question, it is because I am looking for the answer (probably in an effort to understand something because it doesn't make sense to me) or a solution (probably because I am asking for help because I am having difficulty find a solution on my own), not because I am trying to be argumentative or confrontational.
The other issue is that some people see me as critical. When I offer to help, give an opinion or offer a suggestion, it is because I am trying to help, not because I am trying to criticize. If I see someone struggling, my natural inclination is to try to help. If I see a problem, my natural inclination is to try to offer a solution. It has been brought to my attention that some people take offense when unsolicited advice, opinions or help is offered. Likewise, even if some people are doing something wrong or having trouble doing it, that doesn't mean they want someone else to point out what they are doing wrong or try to help them unless they ask. That doesn't make sense to me. If I'm struggling and someone sees me struggling and doesn't offer to help if they can, I think they're being rude. I would rather have the help at least offered, even if I don't need it. If I made a mistake and didn't realize it, I would like someone to point the mistake out to me so that I don't make it again. I don't understand why anyone would choose to do something wrong or not want to be made aware of a mistake.
Often when interacting why people, I think too quickly for them to understand my train of thought. I will often run through multiple solutions, and discard various possibilities, very quickly. I think I just tend to over-analyze everything. This often comes across wrong when I am dealing with people who don't think that quickly.
I try to help others, just as I would want others to help me. I want to understand and have things make sense. How does that make me a bad person who people don't always like? I don't understand... and it bothers me that people would rather judge me and dislike me than taking the time to get to know me and understand where I am coming from.
The person who was offering me some advice suggested that I take the Motivational Gifts Test (c)2005 created by Dr. Doreen DellaVecchio. (http://www.gifttest.org) I've taken it multiple times and I always score highest in "Teacher" and "Perceiver". If you take the test and read the descriptions, they fit me perfectly. I just wish the test offered suggestions on how to relate to people who don't understand these gifts and misinterpret my intentions.
Personally, I have gotten myself in trouble by either expecting someone to react the same way I would in a particular situation, or when they don't, trying to understand where they are coming from. I have discovered that not everyone wants to be understood because they don't want to have to explain themselves. You see, I think part of my problem is the fact that I am a very mathematical, analytical, rational person who wants everything to make sense and fit into neat, logical categories.... Unfortunately, people usually don't.
It was brought to my attention lately that there are some people who don't like me because they see me as argumentative and confrontational. This perception arises because people are jumping to conclusions about me without taking the time to get to know me and understand where I am coming from. When I ask a question, it is because I am looking for the answer (probably in an effort to understand something because it doesn't make sense to me) or a solution (probably because I am asking for help because I am having difficulty find a solution on my own), not because I am trying to be argumentative or confrontational.
The other issue is that some people see me as critical. When I offer to help, give an opinion or offer a suggestion, it is because I am trying to help, not because I am trying to criticize. If I see someone struggling, my natural inclination is to try to help. If I see a problem, my natural inclination is to try to offer a solution. It has been brought to my attention that some people take offense when unsolicited advice, opinions or help is offered. Likewise, even if some people are doing something wrong or having trouble doing it, that doesn't mean they want someone else to point out what they are doing wrong or try to help them unless they ask. That doesn't make sense to me. If I'm struggling and someone sees me struggling and doesn't offer to help if they can, I think they're being rude. I would rather have the help at least offered, even if I don't need it. If I made a mistake and didn't realize it, I would like someone to point the mistake out to me so that I don't make it again. I don't understand why anyone would choose to do something wrong or not want to be made aware of a mistake.
Often when interacting why people, I think too quickly for them to understand my train of thought. I will often run through multiple solutions, and discard various possibilities, very quickly. I think I just tend to over-analyze everything. This often comes across wrong when I am dealing with people who don't think that quickly.
I try to help others, just as I would want others to help me. I want to understand and have things make sense. How does that make me a bad person who people don't always like? I don't understand... and it bothers me that people would rather judge me and dislike me than taking the time to get to know me and understand where I am coming from.
The person who was offering me some advice suggested that I take the Motivational Gifts Test (c)2005 created by Dr. Doreen DellaVecchio. (http://www.gifttest.org) I've taken it multiple times and I always score highest in "Teacher" and "Perceiver". If you take the test and read the descriptions, they fit me perfectly. I just wish the test offered suggestions on how to relate to people who don't understand these gifts and misinterpret my intentions.
I had a disconcerting dream...
(Originally posted to Facebook on Sunday, September 5, 2010)
I had a really strange/creepy dream/nightmare. I dreamed that I awakened to hear a baby crying. I was in a dark house and I started running through doors and down hallways trying to find the baby, but I couldn't find it. The child's cries became more and more insistent, but no matter where I looked in the maze of corridors and rooms I couldn't find it. The I came to the end of the hallway and opened the door at the end I stopped suddenly because there was nothing there - just open air. It was like I was on the edge of a cliff because all I could see everywhere was sky and clouds. I've had dreams about babies crying before, but this was a new one. In my previous dreams, when I awaken to hear a baby crying I go into the baby's room and try to pick the child up. In one version of the dream, my arms go right through the child so I can't pick it up. In the other version of the dream I pick the child up but then it disappears.
It's weird. I spent a long time wanting a baby and trying unsuccessfully to have one, but now Leo and I are trying to adopt an older child. Maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me that I still want a baby. Maybe it's just because so many people around me are getting pregnant and having children while I'm not...
Who knows! I'm not a psychotherapist or a dream analyst - I just know it was creepy!
I had a really strange/creepy dream/nightmare. I dreamed that I awakened to hear a baby crying. I was in a dark house and I started running through doors and down hallways trying to find the baby, but I couldn't find it. The child's cries became more and more insistent, but no matter where I looked in the maze of corridors and rooms I couldn't find it. The I came to the end of the hallway and opened the door at the end I stopped suddenly because there was nothing there - just open air. It was like I was on the edge of a cliff because all I could see everywhere was sky and clouds. I've had dreams about babies crying before, but this was a new one. In my previous dreams, when I awaken to hear a baby crying I go into the baby's room and try to pick the child up. In one version of the dream, my arms go right through the child so I can't pick it up. In the other version of the dream I pick the child up but then it disappears.
It's weird. I spent a long time wanting a baby and trying unsuccessfully to have one, but now Leo and I are trying to adopt an older child. Maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me that I still want a baby. Maybe it's just because so many people around me are getting pregnant and having children while I'm not...
Who knows! I'm not a psychotherapist or a dream analyst - I just know it was creepy!
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