Understanding the Pain of Childlessness

I read an article in Charisma Magazine recently on the topic of "Healing the Pain of Childlessness." In it the author offered both insight into how women who are struggling to have children feel as well as some helpful suggestions on how to relate to them. This is a difficult subject to talk about, even in the church, because so many people don't really understand the issue.

Childless women of child-bearing age often feel like outcasts who don't fit in anywhere. They are older than the newly married couples who don't have children yet and younger than the empty-nesters whose children have already left home. Most of the married couples in their own age group have children of various ages. They are often left out of activities because they don't have children.

To make matters worse, there are some people in the church who believe that infertility issues are the result of sexual sin and therefore must be spoken against. "Many women are barren because a curse has been brought down upon them through an ancestral curse of from something they have done that results in a curse... many who are unable to conceive or cannot carry their baby full term have some kind of curse operating in their life" (Malone, 1999, p. 91). As if women who were having difficulty conceiving and carrying a child to full term didn't have enough problems - they have to listen to being told that they are cursed! I know a wonderful Christian woman whose first child died an hour after he was born. She and her husband were obviously devastated, yet she was afraid to openly share what she was going through in Christian circles for fear of being judged. That's ridiculous - anyone who would judge a mother who just lost her child is heartless.

Schweikert offers much better advice on how to relate to women who want to be mothers but have been unsuccessful:

1. Be a friend
2. Communicate
3. Acknowledge her spiritual state
4. Recognize the uniqueness of her experience

(If you haven't read her article, I recommend doing so.) I would like to offer an additional piece of advice: Don't ask someone "Why don't you have any children?" That comes across as insensitive and rude. Additionally, telling a childless woman "You should have children - you're so good with kids!" also can come across as insensitive if the woman very much wants to be a mother. In general, don't assume anything and try to be sensitive of other people's feelings - think before you speak.

References

Malone, H. (1999). Shadow boxing: The dynamic 2-5-14 strategy to defeat the darkness within. Irving, TX: Vision Life Publications.

Schweikert, Anahid. (22 Sept 2010). Healing the Pain of Childlessness. Charisma Newsletters: SpiritLed Woman. Retrieved from http://www.charismamag.com/index.php/newsletters/spiritled-woman-emagazine/29284-healing-the-pain-of-childlessness.