Love and Marriage

This is a note that I originally posted elsewhere a year ago for a couple friends who were getting married.

I've been thinking about marriage lately because one of my friends is getting married in a couple months and I just found out that another is getting divorced after only a year and a half. I have been married for a few years now so I think I know a little bit about the subject - I hope my marriage lasts as long as my parents' did (my mom passed away eight months before what would have been their fiftieth anniversary). I just wanted to share some thoughts on love and marriage.

Let me begin by saying that I think part of the reason why so many marriages fail is because young people expect it to be easy all the time. Sometimes people even think that the problems they have in their relationship will get better once they get married or that they will change those little things that bug them about their partner once they get married. I have news for you: marriage is not always easy - sometimes it is really difficult. Those problems in your relationship - if you don't work them out before you get married they will get worse, not better. Also, you have to learn to accept your partner for who they are - flaws and quirks and all - without hoping to change them.

Your spouse should be your best friend: the person who means the most to you, the one you can share anything with, the one who you want to be with. Making a marriage work means putting the other person's wants and needs first - above your own. It often involves compromise or giving up what you want for the sake of the other person. You can't be selfish and expect your marriage to work because it's not just about you anymore. Marriage is sharing your life with another person completely - it's not about 1+1=2 (one person plus one person equals two people) anymore, but about 1+1=1 (one man plus one woman equals one couple). I'm not saying that you lose yourself when you get married, but rather just the opposite - you become a unit so that both of you are more than you were independently, not less.

This kind of unity takes honesty and trust on both sides to make it work. Marriage involves being open and honest with each other at all times - it means not keeping secrets or hiding things from each other. You can't "take the fifth" in a marriage - sometimes telling the truth hurts but it is better in the long run. This includes being honest about your feelings or when things are bothering you (especially about the other person) - keeping things bottled up just makes it worse. But being able to share your thoughts and feelings with your partner also means you have to listen to your partner when they are sharing their thoughts and feelings with you. I've heard couples say, "We have a great relationship - we never fight!" Oh really? What kind of a relationship is that? Arguments and disagreements are a natural part of an adult relationship - they are going to happen; it's how you deal with them that makes the difference. If you never fight then you aren't being honest with each other. Fighting all the time isn't healthy, but occasionally something will come up. My mother always used to say, "Pick your battles." I know what she meant - some things are important and worth fighting for while others really aren't. Some people start fights all the time because they don't want to lose or give in, marriage is not about winning or who is right and who is wrong. Remember, when you fight don't say things just to be hurtful - you don't want to say something that you don't mean because you can't take it back and you will regret it later.

Couples need to respect each other. One thing I hate about TV and movies is that they are always displaying couples lying to one another, deceiving each other and generally disrespecting each other. That is not the way a marriage is supposed to be.

Another thing that couples often forget - there are several phrases that are important to remember in order for your marriage to work:

1. I love you! - Make your partner feel valued and cared about so they know how important they are to you. It's not just about the words - you need to show it, too - but the words are important to hear. Say them and mean them.

2. I'm sorry! - Admit when you are wrong - say you're sorry and mean it. Sometimes saying you're sorry is as simple as, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings - that was not my intention."

3. I forgive you! - Accept your partner's apology and mean it. Don't hold a grudge and let it keep coming between you.

4. How can I help?/What can I do? - Show your partner how much you value them by what you do for them. They aren't always going to tell you up front what they need or what you to do and you're not a mind reader, so it helps to ask. Those simple actions can go a long way.

Don't let the sun set on an argument. Basically, if you and your spouse are disagreeing about something, don't go to sleep with it unresolved. When you're upset, it is often difficult to sleep, and that isn't good for you, either. You don't want to start the next day with the argument hanging over your heads. Even if it means agreeing to disagree, settle the argument before you go to sleep for the night.

One piece of advice for young couples, but especially for young women - don't go to your parent(s) every time you and your spouse have an argument or disagreement. You are you parent(s) baby and they will want to protect you. The argument or disagreement will be long since over and forgotten about by you and your spouse, but your parent(s) will still be harboring a grudge - Your parent(s) will remember the problem much longer than you will. [Unless something is really bad and you are considering ending your marriage] keep the problems of your marriage inside your marriage.

The most important thing to remember is that marriage is a partnership. It involves give and take. It requires both parties to work at it. Love is a commitment - it is not about warm fuzzy feelings. Read 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 for an explanation of what love is.

I'm sure other people have more comments on what it takes to make a marriage work but these are just the first thoughts that came to mind.