Love and Marriage

This is a note that I originally posted elsewhere a year ago for a couple friends who were getting married.

I've been thinking about marriage lately because one of my friends is getting married in a couple months and I just found out that another is getting divorced after only a year and a half. I have been married for a few years now so I think I know a little bit about the subject - I hope my marriage lasts as long as my parents' did (my mom passed away eight months before what would have been their fiftieth anniversary). I just wanted to share some thoughts on love and marriage.

Let me begin by saying that I think part of the reason why so many marriages fail is because young people expect it to be easy all the time. Sometimes people even think that the problems they have in their relationship will get better once they get married or that they will change those little things that bug them about their partner once they get married. I have news for you: marriage is not always easy - sometimes it is really difficult. Those problems in your relationship - if you don't work them out before you get married they will get worse, not better. Also, you have to learn to accept your partner for who they are - flaws and quirks and all - without hoping to change them.

Your spouse should be your best friend: the person who means the most to you, the one you can share anything with, the one who you want to be with. Making a marriage work means putting the other person's wants and needs first - above your own. It often involves compromise or giving up what you want for the sake of the other person. You can't be selfish and expect your marriage to work because it's not just about you anymore. Marriage is sharing your life with another person completely - it's not about 1+1=2 (one person plus one person equals two people) anymore, but about 1+1=1 (one man plus one woman equals one couple). I'm not saying that you lose yourself when you get married, but rather just the opposite - you become a unit so that both of you are more than you were independently, not less.

This kind of unity takes honesty and trust on both sides to make it work. Marriage involves being open and honest with each other at all times - it means not keeping secrets or hiding things from each other. You can't "take the fifth" in a marriage - sometimes telling the truth hurts but it is better in the long run. This includes being honest about your feelings or when things are bothering you (especially about the other person) - keeping things bottled up just makes it worse. But being able to share your thoughts and feelings with your partner also means you have to listen to your partner when they are sharing their thoughts and feelings with you. I've heard couples say, "We have a great relationship - we never fight!" Oh really? What kind of a relationship is that? Arguments and disagreements are a natural part of an adult relationship - they are going to happen; it's how you deal with them that makes the difference. If you never fight then you aren't being honest with each other. Fighting all the time isn't healthy, but occasionally something will come up. My mother always used to say, "Pick your battles." I know what she meant - some things are important and worth fighting for while others really aren't. Some people start fights all the time because they don't want to lose or give in, marriage is not about winning or who is right and who is wrong. Remember, when you fight don't say things just to be hurtful - you don't want to say something that you don't mean because you can't take it back and you will regret it later.

Couples need to respect each other. One thing I hate about TV and movies is that they are always displaying couples lying to one another, deceiving each other and generally disrespecting each other. That is not the way a marriage is supposed to be.

Another thing that couples often forget - there are several phrases that are important to remember in order for your marriage to work:

1. I love you! - Make your partner feel valued and cared about so they know how important they are to you. It's not just about the words - you need to show it, too - but the words are important to hear. Say them and mean them.

2. I'm sorry! - Admit when you are wrong - say you're sorry and mean it. Sometimes saying you're sorry is as simple as, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings - that was not my intention."

3. I forgive you! - Accept your partner's apology and mean it. Don't hold a grudge and let it keep coming between you.

4. How can I help?/What can I do? - Show your partner how much you value them by what you do for them. They aren't always going to tell you up front what they need or what you to do and you're not a mind reader, so it helps to ask. Those simple actions can go a long way.

Don't let the sun set on an argument. Basically, if you and your spouse are disagreeing about something, don't go to sleep with it unresolved. When you're upset, it is often difficult to sleep, and that isn't good for you, either. You don't want to start the next day with the argument hanging over your heads. Even if it means agreeing to disagree, settle the argument before you go to sleep for the night.

One piece of advice for young couples, but especially for young women - don't go to your parent(s) every time you and your spouse have an argument or disagreement. You are you parent(s) baby and they will want to protect you. The argument or disagreement will be long since over and forgotten about by you and your spouse, but your parent(s) will still be harboring a grudge - Your parent(s) will remember the problem much longer than you will. [Unless something is really bad and you are considering ending your marriage] keep the problems of your marriage inside your marriage.

The most important thing to remember is that marriage is a partnership. It involves give and take. It requires both parties to work at it. Love is a commitment - it is not about warm fuzzy feelings. Read 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 for an explanation of what love is.

I'm sure other people have more comments on what it takes to make a marriage work but these are just the first thoughts that came to mind.

Is everyone really "fine"?

Do we all wear masks?
While we go about our daily lives, how many people that we pass are walking around with a smile on their face when they are really hurting inside?
How easy is it to not realize that someone else is in pain?
When we ask someone, "How are you?" is it just a passing pleasantry, or do we really want to know?
When someone asks us how we are, how often do we really tell the truth instead of giving the expected answer, "Fine."
How many people do we see every day with whom our relationships are barely superficial?
Why is that?
Are we so wrapped up in ourselves that we don't notice the people around us?
Do we not really care about each other?
Or do we just not want to get involved?

What is a Worldview?

The term "worldview" is something I've heard thrown around a great deal in recent years, but what really is a "worldview"? Worldview is "an aspect of human existence-comprising such elements as experience, ethics, beliefs, ritual, and institutions" (Smart, 2000, p. 4). I think, most simply put, a worldview is how we look at the world. It is the filter through which we view all knowledge and experience. According to Smart, "From one perspective the different worldviews are maps of how to live" (p. 54).

If we view everything through the lens of our own worldview, how can we ever know what is really true? Two different people could come across the same piece of information and form completely divergent opinions about it. Likewise, two different people could share the same experience but react in completely separate ways as a result. All because their worldviews are different. When you look at another person, or especially when you look at another culture, "if you describe the other merely from your own point of view it is not realistic because in effect you are not describing the other, but yourself" (Smart, 2000, p.2). So how can we ever truly be objective?

When we say that we are being objective, are we telling the truth or are we just kidding ourselves? If our worldview is part of our basic existence, is simply turning it off even possible when "worldviews for many people are subliminal; they tend to be a part of the larger culture that is accepted without challenge" (Knight, 2006, p. 234). Can someone consciously turn off something which is unconscious?

I pose these questions as food for thought, not because I think I have the answers.


References

Knight, G. R. (2006). Philosophy & education an introduction in Christian perspective (fourth edition). Berrien Springs, MI: Andrews University Press.

Smart, N. (2000). Worldviews: Crosscultural explorations of human belief (third edition). Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice Hall.

Do we really understand each other?

It seems to me that often we only think we know other people... or think they know us. I have begun to notice lately that we don't always understand each other as well as we think we do. I think I tend to judge other people based on myself, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who does that. In order to really understand who someone is, and why they think or act the way they do, we must first get to know them. It is human nature to have difficulty understanding someone who is different from us.

Personally, I have gotten myself in trouble by either expecting someone to react the same way I would in a particular situation, or when they don't, trying to understand where they are coming from. I have discovered that not everyone wants to be understood because they don't want to have to explain themselves. You see, I think part of my problem is the fact that I am a very mathematical, analytical, rational person who wants everything to make sense and fit into neat, logical categories.... Unfortunately, people usually don't.

It was brought to my attention lately that there are some people who don't like me because they see me as argumentative and confrontational. This perception arises because people are jumping to conclusions about me without taking the time to get to know me and understand where I am coming from. When I ask a question, it is because I am looking for the answer (probably in an effort to understand something because it doesn't make sense to me) or a solution (probably because I am asking for help because I am having difficulty find a solution on my own), not because I am trying to be argumentative or confrontational.

The other issue is that some people see me as critical. When I offer to help, give an opinion or offer a suggestion, it is because I am trying to help, not because I am trying to criticize. If I see someone struggling, my natural inclination is to try to help. If I see a problem, my natural inclination is to try to offer a solution. It has been brought to my attention that some people take offense when unsolicited advice, opinions or help is offered. Likewise, even if some people are doing something wrong or having trouble doing it, that doesn't mean they want someone else to point out what they are doing wrong or try to help them unless they ask. That doesn't make sense to me. If I'm struggling and someone sees me struggling and doesn't offer to help if they can, I think they're being rude. I would rather have the help at least offered, even if I don't need it. If I made a mistake and didn't realize it, I would like someone to point the mistake out to me so that I don't make it again. I don't understand why anyone would choose to do something wrong or not want to be made aware of a mistake.

Often when interacting why people, I think too quickly for them to understand my train of thought. I will often run through multiple solutions, and discard various possibilities, very quickly. I think I just tend to over-analyze everything. This often comes across wrong when I am dealing with people who don't think that quickly.

I try to help others, just as I would want others to help me. I want to understand and have things make sense. How does that make me a bad person who people don't always like? I don't understand... and it bothers me that people would rather judge me and dislike me than taking the time to get to know me and understand where I am coming from.

The person who was offering me some advice suggested that I take the Motivational Gifts Test (c)2005 created by Dr. Doreen DellaVecchio. (http://www.gifttest.org) I've taken it multiple times and I always score highest in "Teacher" and "Perceiver". If you take the test and read the descriptions, they fit me perfectly. I just wish the test offered suggestions on how to relate to people who don't understand these gifts and misinterpret my intentions.

I had a disconcerting dream...

(Originally posted to Facebook on Sunday, September 5, 2010)

I had a really strange/creepy dream/nightmare. I dreamed that I awakened to hear a baby crying. I was in a dark house and I started running through doors and down hallways trying to find the baby, but I couldn't find it. The child's cries became more and more insistent, but no matter where I looked in the maze of corridors and rooms I couldn't find it. The I came to the end of the hallway and opened the door at the end I stopped suddenly because there was nothing there - just open air. It was like I was on the edge of a cliff because all I could see everywhere was sky and clouds. I've had dreams about babies crying before, but this was a new one. In my previous dreams, when I awaken to hear a baby crying I go into the baby's room and try to pick the child up. In one version of the dream, my arms go right through the child so I can't pick it up. In the other version of the dream I pick the child up but then it disappears.

It's weird. I spent a long time wanting a baby and trying unsuccessfully to have one, but now Leo and I are trying to adopt an older child. Maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me that I still want a baby. Maybe it's just because so many people around me are getting pregnant and having children while I'm not...

Who knows! I'm not a psychotherapist or a dream analyst - I just know it was creepy!