My father just turned 80 this year and doesn't want to admit that he is getting old. He seems to think that he is just as able and capable as he was when he was 50, but he really isn't. I have been struggling with trying to get the point across without having him hate me. Sometimes I get off the phone with him either ready to scream or cry. I just don't know what to do anymore.
While waiting in the dentist's office the other day I read an article in Time magazine which addressed the issue that I am facing - how do you deal with an aging parent? "It's the stage just after infancy and just before infirmity that tests those of us in between... As they age, our parents need constraints, but the context shifts.. we put limits on their freedoms" (Gibbs, 2010, para. 1). My father is not at the stage where he is unable to take care of himself anymore - he is just at the stage where he needs someone to check up on him. He sometimes forgets to pay bills or to get the car inspected or even to eat. He doesn't always look when changing lanes and tends to get lost while driving - especially at night. He forgets, or doesn't make, doctor's appointments. I tell him that I worry about him and instead of appreciating it, he gets angry with me. He doesn't want me checking up on him - I think it's at least partially because he doesn't want to lie to me but also doesn't want to have to tell me the truth.
I try to look out for what's best for him, but he rebels when I try to get him to agree to limits. Two years ago, when my mother passed away, I asked him to promise me that he wouldn't climb up on the roof anymore and wouldn't climb up on the ladder without having someone watching him. I know he has, but when I point out that he broke his promise, he gets angry and makes excuses. When I tried to ask him not to drive at night and not to drive by himself, he had a fairly similar reaction. That is how he responds pretty much every time I try to get him to commit to something - he gets angry and makes excuses. As Gibbs (2010) says, "Telling kids what to do comes naturally. Telling parents what to do takes more dexterity, like playing the flute in mittens. If teenagers are genetically ungrateful, our elders are understandably so, for the will to keep living large is fierce, and any attempt to shrink them to safety is a splash of mortality they naturally resent" (para. 2). I can't force him to do anything - even if it is what's best for him.
My husband and I asked him to move down here and live with us so we could all be together and I would be readily available to assist if he needed help - and I wouldn't have to worry about him as much. That was almost two years ago and he still won't make a decision. It's always some excuse why he can't commit. He says he doesn't want to think about it. He says we're trying to pressure him. He acts as if we don't care how he feels, but the problem is that I do love him. I don't know how much longer he's going to be able to take care of himself and I'm so far away that I worry about what could happen. I'm at my wits end.
Gibbs, N. (2010, 25 October). The coping conundrum. Time, 176 (17), p. 76.
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