Love and Marriage

This is a note that I originally posted elsewhere a year ago for a couple friends who were getting married.

I've been thinking about marriage lately because one of my friends is getting married in a couple months and I just found out that another is getting divorced after only a year and a half. I have been married for a few years now so I think I know a little bit about the subject - I hope my marriage lasts as long as my parents' did (my mom passed away eight months before what would have been their fiftieth anniversary). I just wanted to share some thoughts on love and marriage.

Let me begin by saying that I think part of the reason why so many marriages fail is because young people expect it to be easy all the time. Sometimes people even think that the problems they have in their relationship will get better once they get married or that they will change those little things that bug them about their partner once they get married. I have news for you: marriage is not always easy - sometimes it is really difficult. Those problems in your relationship - if you don't work them out before you get married they will get worse, not better. Also, you have to learn to accept your partner for who they are - flaws and quirks and all - without hoping to change them.

Your spouse should be your best friend: the person who means the most to you, the one you can share anything with, the one who you want to be with. Making a marriage work means putting the other person's wants and needs first - above your own. It often involves compromise or giving up what you want for the sake of the other person. You can't be selfish and expect your marriage to work because it's not just about you anymore. Marriage is sharing your life with another person completely - it's not about 1+1=2 (one person plus one person equals two people) anymore, but about 1+1=1 (one man plus one woman equals one couple). I'm not saying that you lose yourself when you get married, but rather just the opposite - you become a unit so that both of you are more than you were independently, not less.

This kind of unity takes honesty and trust on both sides to make it work. Marriage involves being open and honest with each other at all times - it means not keeping secrets or hiding things from each other. You can't "take the fifth" in a marriage - sometimes telling the truth hurts but it is better in the long run. This includes being honest about your feelings or when things are bothering you (especially about the other person) - keeping things bottled up just makes it worse. But being able to share your thoughts and feelings with your partner also means you have to listen to your partner when they are sharing their thoughts and feelings with you. I've heard couples say, "We have a great relationship - we never fight!" Oh really? What kind of a relationship is that? Arguments and disagreements are a natural part of an adult relationship - they are going to happen; it's how you deal with them that makes the difference. If you never fight then you aren't being honest with each other. Fighting all the time isn't healthy, but occasionally something will come up. My mother always used to say, "Pick your battles." I know what she meant - some things are important and worth fighting for while others really aren't. Some people start fights all the time because they don't want to lose or give in, marriage is not about winning or who is right and who is wrong. Remember, when you fight don't say things just to be hurtful - you don't want to say something that you don't mean because you can't take it back and you will regret it later.

Couples need to respect each other. One thing I hate about TV and movies is that they are always displaying couples lying to one another, deceiving each other and generally disrespecting each other. That is not the way a marriage is supposed to be.

Another thing that couples often forget - there are several phrases that are important to remember in order for your marriage to work:

1. I love you! - Make your partner feel valued and cared about so they know how important they are to you. It's not just about the words - you need to show it, too - but the words are important to hear. Say them and mean them.

2. I'm sorry! - Admit when you are wrong - say you're sorry and mean it. Sometimes saying you're sorry is as simple as, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings - that was not my intention."

3. I forgive you! - Accept your partner's apology and mean it. Don't hold a grudge and let it keep coming between you.

4. How can I help?/What can I do? - Show your partner how much you value them by what you do for them. They aren't always going to tell you up front what they need or what you to do and you're not a mind reader, so it helps to ask. Those simple actions can go a long way.

Don't let the sun set on an argument. Basically, if you and your spouse are disagreeing about something, don't go to sleep with it unresolved. When you're upset, it is often difficult to sleep, and that isn't good for you, either. You don't want to start the next day with the argument hanging over your heads. Even if it means agreeing to disagree, settle the argument before you go to sleep for the night.

One piece of advice for young couples, but especially for young women - don't go to your parent(s) every time you and your spouse have an argument or disagreement. You are you parent(s) baby and they will want to protect you. The argument or disagreement will be long since over and forgotten about by you and your spouse, but your parent(s) will still be harboring a grudge - Your parent(s) will remember the problem much longer than you will. [Unless something is really bad and you are considering ending your marriage] keep the problems of your marriage inside your marriage.

The most important thing to remember is that marriage is a partnership. It involves give and take. It requires both parties to work at it. Love is a commitment - it is not about warm fuzzy feelings. Read 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 for an explanation of what love is.

I'm sure other people have more comments on what it takes to make a marriage work but these are just the first thoughts that came to mind.

Is everyone really "fine"?

Do we all wear masks?
While we go about our daily lives, how many people that we pass are walking around with a smile on their face when they are really hurting inside?
How easy is it to not realize that someone else is in pain?
When we ask someone, "How are you?" is it just a passing pleasantry, or do we really want to know?
When someone asks us how we are, how often do we really tell the truth instead of giving the expected answer, "Fine."
How many people do we see every day with whom our relationships are barely superficial?
Why is that?
Are we so wrapped up in ourselves that we don't notice the people around us?
Do we not really care about each other?
Or do we just not want to get involved?

What is a Worldview?

The term "worldview" is something I've heard thrown around a great deal in recent years, but what really is a "worldview"? Worldview is "an aspect of human existence-comprising such elements as experience, ethics, beliefs, ritual, and institutions" (Smart, 2000, p. 4). I think, most simply put, a worldview is how we look at the world. It is the filter through which we view all knowledge and experience. According to Smart, "From one perspective the different worldviews are maps of how to live" (p. 54).

If we view everything through the lens of our own worldview, how can we ever know what is really true? Two different people could come across the same piece of information and form completely divergent opinions about it. Likewise, two different people could share the same experience but react in completely separate ways as a result. All because their worldviews are different. When you look at another person, or especially when you look at another culture, "if you describe the other merely from your own point of view it is not realistic because in effect you are not describing the other, but yourself" (Smart, 2000, p.2). So how can we ever truly be objective?

When we say that we are being objective, are we telling the truth or are we just kidding ourselves? If our worldview is part of our basic existence, is simply turning it off even possible when "worldviews for many people are subliminal; they tend to be a part of the larger culture that is accepted without challenge" (Knight, 2006, p. 234). Can someone consciously turn off something which is unconscious?

I pose these questions as food for thought, not because I think I have the answers.


References

Knight, G. R. (2006). Philosophy & education an introduction in Christian perspective (fourth edition). Berrien Springs, MI: Andrews University Press.

Smart, N. (2000). Worldviews: Crosscultural explorations of human belief (third edition). Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice Hall.

Do we really understand each other?

It seems to me that often we only think we know other people... or think they know us. I have begun to notice lately that we don't always understand each other as well as we think we do. I think I tend to judge other people based on myself, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who does that. In order to really understand who someone is, and why they think or act the way they do, we must first get to know them. It is human nature to have difficulty understanding someone who is different from us.

Personally, I have gotten myself in trouble by either expecting someone to react the same way I would in a particular situation, or when they don't, trying to understand where they are coming from. I have discovered that not everyone wants to be understood because they don't want to have to explain themselves. You see, I think part of my problem is the fact that I am a very mathematical, analytical, rational person who wants everything to make sense and fit into neat, logical categories.... Unfortunately, people usually don't.

It was brought to my attention lately that there are some people who don't like me because they see me as argumentative and confrontational. This perception arises because people are jumping to conclusions about me without taking the time to get to know me and understand where I am coming from. When I ask a question, it is because I am looking for the answer (probably in an effort to understand something because it doesn't make sense to me) or a solution (probably because I am asking for help because I am having difficulty find a solution on my own), not because I am trying to be argumentative or confrontational.

The other issue is that some people see me as critical. When I offer to help, give an opinion or offer a suggestion, it is because I am trying to help, not because I am trying to criticize. If I see someone struggling, my natural inclination is to try to help. If I see a problem, my natural inclination is to try to offer a solution. It has been brought to my attention that some people take offense when unsolicited advice, opinions or help is offered. Likewise, even if some people are doing something wrong or having trouble doing it, that doesn't mean they want someone else to point out what they are doing wrong or try to help them unless they ask. That doesn't make sense to me. If I'm struggling and someone sees me struggling and doesn't offer to help if they can, I think they're being rude. I would rather have the help at least offered, even if I don't need it. If I made a mistake and didn't realize it, I would like someone to point the mistake out to me so that I don't make it again. I don't understand why anyone would choose to do something wrong or not want to be made aware of a mistake.

Often when interacting why people, I think too quickly for them to understand my train of thought. I will often run through multiple solutions, and discard various possibilities, very quickly. I think I just tend to over-analyze everything. This often comes across wrong when I am dealing with people who don't think that quickly.

I try to help others, just as I would want others to help me. I want to understand and have things make sense. How does that make me a bad person who people don't always like? I don't understand... and it bothers me that people would rather judge me and dislike me than taking the time to get to know me and understand where I am coming from.

The person who was offering me some advice suggested that I take the Motivational Gifts Test (c)2005 created by Dr. Doreen DellaVecchio. (http://www.gifttest.org) I've taken it multiple times and I always score highest in "Teacher" and "Perceiver". If you take the test and read the descriptions, they fit me perfectly. I just wish the test offered suggestions on how to relate to people who don't understand these gifts and misinterpret my intentions.

I had a disconcerting dream...

(Originally posted to Facebook on Sunday, September 5, 2010)

I had a really strange/creepy dream/nightmare. I dreamed that I awakened to hear a baby crying. I was in a dark house and I started running through doors and down hallways trying to find the baby, but I couldn't find it. The child's cries became more and more insistent, but no matter where I looked in the maze of corridors and rooms I couldn't find it. The I came to the end of the hallway and opened the door at the end I stopped suddenly because there was nothing there - just open air. It was like I was on the edge of a cliff because all I could see everywhere was sky and clouds. I've had dreams about babies crying before, but this was a new one. In my previous dreams, when I awaken to hear a baby crying I go into the baby's room and try to pick the child up. In one version of the dream, my arms go right through the child so I can't pick it up. In the other version of the dream I pick the child up but then it disappears.

It's weird. I spent a long time wanting a baby and trying unsuccessfully to have one, but now Leo and I are trying to adopt an older child. Maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me that I still want a baby. Maybe it's just because so many people around me are getting pregnant and having children while I'm not...

Who knows! I'm not a psychotherapist or a dream analyst - I just know it was creepy!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! Granted, I’m one day early, but better early than late, right?

Two years ago I wrote a blog complaining about how the real meaning of Christmas is all too often forgotten in favor of commercialism. Then last year I wrote a blog about how many stores and services aren’t allowed to wish their customers a Merry Christmas, but rather have to wish them either Happy Holidays or Season’s Greetings. This year I want to talk about the hypocrisy of Christians this time of year.

As Christians, this time of year we are celebrating the joyous birth of our Savior. We are celebrating the arrival of Emmanuel (“God with us”) – the Messiah – into the world. This is supposed to be a glorious time – the most glorious time of year, followed closely by Easter. So, if this such a wonderful time of year, because we’re welcoming Christ, then why do Christians not reflect that joy in their lives?

What I mean is, why does Christmas seen to bring out the worst in people, rather than the best? When people are doing their Christmas shopping, they get more rude and aggressive. Why is that? Driving on the highway gets more risky, and feels you’re taking your life in your hands. It’s not just the highways, either – just try parking in the lot at any mall, and you’ll see what I mean. Then people get out of their cars and go into the stores, and it doesn’t stop there. They push other people out of their way, they fight over items, and they are rude to the salespeople and the clerks behind the counters. People turn into a brood of vipers (Matt. 23:33; Luke 3:7)! It’s ridiculous. Not only is it ridiculous, but it’s disgraceful! And it gets worse, not better, the closer we get to Christmas!

Do you really think that this type of behavior is what Jesus wants from His followers? How are we showing Him any respect when we treat our neighbors with such disrespect? Christmas offers us an opportunity to witness to our neighbors by showing them the love of Christ. Instead of pushing that person out of the way, why not do something nice, instead. If you are waiting in line for a long time, why not strike up a friendly conversation with the people around you, rather than getting impatient and frustrated? It will make the time go faster, and might help to keep the people around you in a positive mood, as well. If you’re at a coffee shop or snack stand at the mall, why not offer to buy for the person behind you, too? If you see someone struggling with a door or carrying a lot of bags/packages, why not hold the door for them or offer to carry some of their bags? If it’s raining or snowing and you have an umbrella and someone else doesn’t, why not offer to share? You’ll probably make someone’s day. Why not sow love by doing something self-less rather than being selfish?

I’m sure you’ve watched one of the many different versions of Charles Dickens’s A Christmas Carol – there are certain enough of them! My personal favorite is the one with Patrick Stewart as Ebenezer Scrooge, but that is beside the point. While the only mention of Christ in this movie is in the carols that people sing, such as Silent Night, the message is important – it shows the move from self-focus to others-focus. In the end, Scrooge does nice things for other people, not for the thanks, but simply to bless someone else and because it is the right thing to do. He chose to ignore the fact that people questioned his sanity and wondered why he would do such things. As we see in Matt. 5:10-12, when we do as Christ has commanded, we are subject to persecution from the world, because others don’t understand it.

This Christmas season, why not take a step back and ask yourself, “Am I living and acting in a way that would be pleasing to Christ? Is my faith evident in my words and actions?” Before you honk [and swear] at that car who cut you off on the highway, stop and think. Before you push in front of someone to get the last of an item on the store shelf, stop and think. Before you yell and complain because the check-out line is too long or the clerk is ringing people up slower than you would like, stop and think. Stop and think. If you can’t answer those two questions, or if your answer is “No,” I think you know what that means, and what you have to do.

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Posted: Friday, November 11, 2005

Oh the joys of retail management during the holidays!

Well, it's that time again. The time of year that my company so lovingly refers to as, "The Golden Quarter"! It's the best and the worst time to work retail! The parking lots are filling up and the customers are coming into the stores en mass, which means more business, more sales, and more money.... it also means more crowds, longer hours, and more stress for me! Not to mention the fact that it also means that I have a store full of brand spanking new green employees who I have to train and keep in line. Oh the joys of retail management!

I haven't really been able to enjoy the holidays since Christmas of 1997 (I started working retail in 1998). Before I started working retail, I used to love the holiday season -- because it mean something different than it does now. Have people forgotten the reason why we're celebrating?

Thanksgiving meant giving thanks to God for all His many blessings. Now it means that I have to get up much too early to open my store at 6am to let in all the early bird shoppers who are going to fight over the products that we advertized at really low prices.

Christmas used to mean celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. It used to mean going around the neighborhood singing Christmas carols. It used to mean spending time with family and friends. It used to mean attending a Christmas Eve candle-light service. It used to mean sipping hot chocolate by the fire with family while watching the snow falling outside. Now it's so commercialized that it means everyone has to buy presents and more presents for everyone who they know including their sister's best friend's ex-roomate's boyfriend's cousin's brother-in-law. (You get the point.) It's not about worshiping Christ's anymore -- it's about worshiping material posessions!

What happened to the simple joys of the Holiday Season?

I'm not even allowed to wish my customers a "Merry Christmas" anymore -- now it has to be "Happy Holidays" in order to be politically correct. My company called it, Hanachrismaramaquanza last year in order to not leave anyone out or offend anyone. (Seriously, I got a company webmail wishing me a Happy Hanachrismaramaquanza!) Well that drove me nuts! It offended me! A fellow manager (who happened to be a Shinto-Buddhist) back in my old district used to say, "Happy expanded retail holiday" because that's really all it was to him. Unfortunately, he has a point!

Out of the Frying Pan into The Fire?

I watched a news clip with my husband that was sent to him by one of his liberal friends. In the clip, Keith Olbermann was speaking on recent events and calling for Bush and Cheney to resign and save the country the trouble of impeaching them. I have to admit that I do agree with the anchor on several points. What exactly was our President thinking when he pardoned someone who had been found guilty of an offense that was a violation of national security just because the offender was one of his cronies? Why does our Vice President think that he is above the law and can refuse to obey a subpoena? Now, I'm not saying that what they did was right – far from it – but I don't know if their resignation or impeachment would be in the country's best interest. I think it would be stepping out of the frying pan directly into the fire.

Let's think about this in light of the Presidential Succession… If the President is no longer able to serve for whatever reason, be it resignation, impeachment, or death, then the Vice President becomes President. But what if the Vice President is not able to serve, either? Do you know who becomes president then? I'll tell you – The Speaker of the House of Representatives, that's who! And for the Vice President's position, who gets that – The President of the Senate, who right now is none other than Robert Byrd. I think the only people who would want Nancy Pelosi for Acting President for the next 18 months are the same people who plan to vote for Hillary in 2008. I'm really not sure who would want Robert Byrd for Acting Vice President.

Let's take a look at the record for the Democratic Representative from California. She supports abortion rights: she voted against the Partial Birth Abortion Ban and in favor of the Abortion Funding Amendment. She supports "Civil Liberties" and the ACLU: she voted against the ban on flag burning, against the Federal Marriage Amendment, and against displaying the 10 Commandments in courthouses. She is in favor of Gay Rights: she voted against banning homosexual adoption and against the Federal Marriage Amendment. She is pro gun control and even wants to hold gun manufacturers responsible for the mis-use of their weapons. She supports rights for all immigrants, whether they are illegal or not, and voted no to the Secure Fence Act.

Now, don't get me wrong, she did do some things right. She supported No Child Left Behind and to increase Medicare and Medicaid benefits. She also voted to reduce dependence on foreign oil, and voted against allowing oil and gas exploration in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. But overall, her track record is way too liberal – I don't think the country is ready for such a liberal president.

My primary objection to Senator Byrd is that I can't bring myself to trust him. I know he says he's changed and regrets his racist past, but I am simply not sure that he's not just saying that because he knows being racist is not acceptable anymore. His brief fling with the KKK in his youth, his having voted against the Civil Rights Acts and the Voting Rights Act, and the racist statements that he's made throughout the years make him an inappropriate choice for Acting Vice President.

While many people may not like Bush/Cheney, I honestly think the best thing for the country is to wait until a new President and Vice President are duly elected by the American People in 2008. The only good thing I could see coming out of having Nancy Pelosi as Acting President for the next 18 months would be that after having to deal with someone like her, people would be less likely to vote for Hillary! My choice for President in 2008 – Duncan Hunter!