Thoughts on Mothers’ Day from Someone Who Wants to be a Mother

I know I've written on this topic before, but it is weighing heavily on my heart right now. My heart aches....

Mothers’ Day is a rough time of year for me on several different levels. I didn’t know how difficult it was going to be. The problem is that I no longer have my mother (she passed away suddenly in 2008) and I am not yet a mother. I guess the problem is that not only did I expected to still have my mother, but I expected to be a mother at least once, if not twice over by now. I want to be a mother – sometimes so badly it hurts. I miss my mother very much – sometimes so badly I feel like I can’t breathe.

The men of my church are hosting a mother-daughter dinner on Friday. I’m glad I had a prior commitment that I could use as an excuse, because I got sick of people asking me if I would be attending – They should know by now that I neither have my mother anymore, nor do I have a daughter (or a son, for that matter). I made the mistake of going to the mall with my husband yesterday to pick up a couple things – every store we went in, there were signs touting mothers’ day specials and I was wished a “Happy Mothers’ Day” by the sales people – I have even received several promotional emails wishing me “Happy Mothers’ Day”.
Why do people automatically assume that I am a mother? I want to be a mother and it hurts that I'm not. They assume that just because I am a married woman in my mid-30s (my gray hair probably makes me look older) that I am a mother. I know people who are even older than I am who are not mothers (and plenty who are younger who are). I love children. I love spending time with my friends’ children and the children at our church, but I really hate it when people ask me why I don’t have any children or tell me that I am so good with kids that I should have some of my own. I often don’t know how to respond.

I am beginning to wonder if my oldest niece, who will be 23 in July and is getting married in September, will have children before I do. My best friend is only a couple years older than I am and is a grandmother twice over. It seems like every time I turn around I find out that someone else I know is pregnant or had a baby. Most of my friends have at least one, if not several children. When is it going to be my turn? Will I ever be a mother?

I love the feeling of holding a baby in my arms. I love watching toddlers learning how to walk. I love watching young children discovering things for the first time. I love experiencing with a child the thrill of success (riding a bike for the first time, getting good grades in school, etc.). I love watching children grow into teenagers and becoming young adults.

We are hoping to adopt a child anywhere from newborn to about age 14. While I will never be able to suckle a baby at my breast, I can still experience all the joys and all the tears of watching my children grow up. We’re talking with a social worker about adopting a child from the state foster care system, which is usually children that are at least 9, but some of them are younger. Adopting a child is a serious undertaking and should not be taken lightly. Foster children have special needs and special challenges, but they are still children who deserve a good, loving home. I can’t be doing it for me, though. I can’t be trying to adopt a child to fill a need in my life or a void in my heart – I have to want to adopt a child to give the child a home. Can’t it be a little bit of both, though?

While we would be open to adopting an infant, we aren’t trying to for three reasons: 1) It is VERY difficult to be matched to an infant because there are more people wanting to adopt infants than there are infants; 2) We can’t afford the legal fees associated with adopting an infant and can’t afford to pay the biological mother’s medical bills during her pregnancy; and 3) We really feel that God is calling us to adopt an older child because they are often forgotten about – the older a child gets, the less likely they are to be adopted. Foster children often end up bouncing from home to home until they age out of the system. Many times foster homes are not healthy environments for children – sometimes they are no better than the homes from which they were removed. The need is heartbreaking. I feel for those children – they deserve a chance for a real family, for a sense of permanence, for love! We can give them that.

I want children and there are children who need a home – it seems like a perfect match. We don’t have a lot of money, but we have enough. We don’t have a large house, but we have a good home. We can’t buy a child tons of fancy clothes or expensive toys, but we give them what they need and show them love. Any child we adopt would be our child and would be treated as such. We would be good parents. We just need the chance to give a child a chance…